The Demons on the Inside

Things have been..well different the past week.  My baby girl was born and she is awesome and VERY loved and VERY spoiled.  She is the cutest thing ever.  EVER.  Errr that I can remember.

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See!?!

The day after her birth an impending depressive spell hit and hit hard.  I would never get to hold a baby that was mine in my arms again.  Some issue I rather not discuss was going on, and I hated working.  I felt like I couldn’t be a mother to the only children I do have because after long hours of work I was exhausted and snappy and on my two days off I was too busy catching up from the week.  I couldn’t get past the way this company treated me in the past either.  This particular chain was nice to me, but I didn’t feel myself fitting in.  So…after crying in my bedroom for two days straight when I wasn’t take care of the oldest three children, and the baby coming home, we made the decision not to go back.  We may try a part time job later, but now I’m still fragile.  I am doing better but it only takes a little thing to set me over the edge.  I also am way behind on housework and haven’t felt up to doing things I even enjoy but have forced some stuff in.  Everyone has been good about this.  My husband has the least patience for it than anyone else and he really has done his best too.

I mentioned that I forced myself to do something I enjoy so I did some sketches like a sketch journal describing it the best I can.

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This is the first.  This is still after the worst of it was through.  I really didn’t feel much up to anything before.

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I love this one.  Done the next day.  I had a good day and though I still felt blue…I felt more than just that.

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Done just last night.

I am not an artist, by no means.  It’s just a way I chose to cope.  I have said it before and I will never ever stop saying it, Depression is always temporary if you let it, it will pass.  I have been in some very messed up spots in my life and even then suicide isn’t the answer.  Someone loves you somewhere.  You may not know them yet, they could be in the room right next to you and you just can’t feel it.  Depression is temporary.  This time, the entire time I knew that.  I’m not going to lie and say I don’t think about suicide.  I can tell you I will never do it.  I have seen it in action.  Life can and will get better.

My mother came over for the weekend to visit her new granddaughter and she decided to help our oldest daughter with her school project.  So I will leave you with a picture of my beautiful mother planting a cabbage plant with the oldest girls.  And just to clear the air, we decided to plant it in a planter because rabbits here love plants so we can take it in at night.

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