Beautiful said. The heartbreak all so familiar.
Originally posted on one (poly) love:
What would you think of the fact that I carry your words around in my head like electroshock scars? That I’ve gone over every detail of our relationship, trying to make sense of what was right and where it all went wrong? Can you understand why I steel myself against the pain of your memory by telling myself it wasn’t real, it was a product of bad medication? That I lie to myself and tell myself you never loved me, because the lie is more comfort than the truth?
Do I tell you that I miss you? That I can still taste your lips and smell your skin when I close my eyes? Do I tell you that I masturbate to the memories of you in my bed, spread out under my hands? That I can lose myself in the moment of our first kiss and weep for days afterwards? What do I say that can convey the ache in my bones for you, even now?
Would it make any difference if you knew we could have the relationship you wanted? That we’ve sorted out that issue and settled it? Our relationship would be our own, with no other intrusions.