About Love.

I feel I need to talk about something to clear the air about my Poly “tribe” or Family.  Ok, it’s not that I need to, I don’t need to do anything, more that I want to clarify.

This post is difficult for me to proceed with because of the very nature of what it is about and the fact that I probably won’t broadcast it as highly as my others…sometimes those get the most views.  The things we keep hidden in the closet.  The things we are ashamed of, the things part of us wish we hadn’t done, but know that they changed the entirety of their because of these actions.

When I was twenty I had an affair.  I really thought I cared about this I guy I really thought I knew.  I made excuses for myself, found ways to blame my husband.  It didn’t end well in any case.  How could it?  This was a boy I met online, I hardly knew after a little over a year of marriage.  I don’t doubt I had genuine feelings for who I perceived the boy to be.  I have no idea how he felt about me, nor do I care anymore.  It doesn’t matter to the person I have become.  I could be angry at him if I wanted to be, but lets face it, we were both being dishonest children and in some odd, strange way, he helped me see who I am.  I NEVER stopped loving my husband.  I loved them both.  Ah, polyamory.  That story, didn’t end well, as I said.  I fessed up, things came out.  Things changed.  Life went on.  

When things were bad between my husband and I (and in all marriages, things can and will at sometime not be good) I would see this boy still as I perceived him to be  (a fictional character that my mind formed that had a face to him) and he was a knight in shining armor.  I had an idealism of what love was and I look back and I am not sure what made me think of him, as we only spent a few weeks together.  I think because I had been hurt by him, by others, I quit letting people in.  I would try but something in me would just shut down.  

it wouldn’t be until about three or four years ago I started to realize my perception was way off.  I tried to take my own life and there were people there for me.  Real, tangible, people.  I read romance, but I needed to know that those stories aren’t real.  The only person that can be your knight in shining armor is you.  I started to look back and realized over the past years when I was happiest.  I also got the courage to admit it to my husband that I wanted an open relationship.  That the perception I loved wasn’t the only “person” over the years I had fallen for.  I had crushes, but there were two instances of times I actually wanted to build a family with others, and he did too.  We both loved those people.  That was a genuine love.  It was real.  It wasn’t a perception.  

We actually met our loves online.  We were looking.  They were not.  I respected their monogamy, though I REALLY liked him.  I don’t ruin families.  I don’t do things that will break my or other people’s hearts.  Believe it or not, metamour and my husband took that step.  My lover believed himself poly was happy to test the waters too, and we fell in love pretty quickly and are inseparable.  He and I are very similar in temperament.  We rarely fight.  We don’t need much to be entertained or happy, we both read.  We both LOVE anime.  He doesn’t talk much, I never shut up.  I freeze at night and he is a furnace.  See, it works.  I can’t tell you what my heart feels, I can only explain the rational side.  I love him so very much.  My husband, is my best friend.  Nobody will ever know me as well as he does.  My metamour is the funnest girl to be around.  At first I was annoyed when I was told by my husband and metamour that this was to be us and only us, but now… I say it from the depth of my soul, they are all I need.