Polyamory, What it is To Us: A Family’s Personal Story.

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All four of us were raised in Christian households with their own dysfunctions hidden in the closet. I probably was the luckiest of the group. I have a very loving, caring and accepting family. Growing up our dysfunction was open and painfully obvious, the loss of my father at a very young age. None of us knew or had a clue what polyamory was. I think we all craved the large happy family which we didn’t have.

As stated in my “About Me” I have two wonderful husbands. Polyamory is the act of non monogamy but based off loving relationships. Technically we practice polyfidelity meaning we are exclusive to our quad of people and are not searching for anyone else. A year ago I wouldn’t have understood what any of this meant.

Just to get it out of the way, I am also pansexual. That being said my sister wife and I are not intimate nor are the brother husbands. We all love each other very much and consider ourselves spouses. Sex and love may come hand in hand, but love doesn’t always mean sex.

Monogamous people ask various questions. I understand that. They are curious and I embrace it. We have also been openly criticized by “loved ones” and I will address these “issues” too.

1. Jealousy.

Jealousy is a very natural human reaction. Being poly takes so much communication. There are two ways two ways to best resolve jealousy. First of all, talk about your feelings. What is really causing your jealousy? I have had an epiphany about my own jealousy and where it is rooted from and it’s my own insecurities. Which leads to the second way to deal with jealousy. Own up to your own feelings and don’t project them onto others. I must have trust and faith in my lovers, family, and friends, but most importantly myself, remember I am worthy and I am not alone.

2. Lack of Morals? Slutty?

First of they are not one in the same and I cannot speak for all pansexual polyamorous people or just poly people but I can speak for myself. I can count my sexual partners on one had and I am 30 years old. For me sex=love always. I have walls, hang ups, and such like anyone. The term slutty is chauvinistic and outdated. When have you heard someone call an man a slut and not chuckle. It’s acceptable for a man to enjoy his sexuality and is almost expected fot him to “sew his wild oats”. A woman is expected to repress her sexual urges, appear to be chaste or lady like or she is a slut. The term slut is simply a way to debase and degrade women. Woman, man, or transgender there is absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying your sexuality safely and responsibly. As far as being poly goes, they are no more “sluttier” than anyone else. They just know what they want and go for it. Why not, they are already being judged.

Morals are a whole other issue. Who is to decided what is moral and immoral? Poly is all about being ethical. There is no way to determine if this person is more moral than this person. Much of a people’s morals lie inside of them. That being said, someone who is lying about who they are to themselves are more likely to betray and hurt people.

3. The Children

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Our three children.  Look happy to me.

What kind of person do you take us for? Any parent that is any kind of parent thinks of their children first. It absolutely enraged me when someone said “I worry for the children”. That’s good, so do we. We weighed out the pros and cons. And I don’t feel we are much different than any other parent.

We entered this relationship (though swiftly) cautiously because of our children. We are parents first. We have three wonderful children and one on the way. They have more people to love them. They have more understanding where before the bio parents were too busy being parents first and could try to be understanding later. More hands are always helpful when dealing with children.

The girls are in public school and we do worry about them being teased or bullied due to their family. We have talked to them in detail about it and have taught them to choose their friends wisely. They both assure us that having each other is worth the risk.

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The oldest’s test scores.  Her grades aren’t suffering.

4. Extended Family

I never had a reason to be afraid to tell my family. They are awesome and understanding and even if they don’t agree or fully understand they know I am a capable adult. My legal husband lost what little he had of his family, excluding his sister when he told them he was having a baby with the sister wife. It was only his mom and it was kind of mutual. Sister wife was almost excited to tell her family and ready for the criticism. It went way better than she expected but for other reasons she isn’t talking to a chunk of her family. My poor other husband was terrified to tell most of his family. I don’t need to go into messy details but it didn’t end well. He still hears from his father and stepmother but they act as if my legal and I don’t exist. It makes me sad that any child he and I ever have together will not exist to them.

5. Sister Wife and Legal’s Expected Arrival

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Soon to be baby!

Everyone in my family has been very concerned and quick to ask my feelings on this and I understand why completely. I haven’t had a viable pregnancy in nearly 9 years and we have tried. I will admit that there are times I am sad that I haven’t been able to concieve. I can’t let my elation for them and myself be dulled and I can’t give up hope. Most importantly I can’t let my mind wonder from the facts:

1. I have an amazing biological daughter.
2. I will have four children, biology is only a technicality.
3. My two bestfriends in the whole wide world are having a baby and are extremely happy!

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See how happy they make each other.  (It was the first day of school that might add to it).

I probably will not talk much of my personal life choices in the future. They are what they are and I am too busy living them. The poly community are very supportive. They understand more than anyone else that before I am poly I am just me. If you have any questions about my lifestyle I will try and answer them

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8 thoughts on “Polyamory, What it is To Us: A Family’s Personal Story.

  1. I really like what I’ve read so far. I love your openness and your love for your family. It’s inspiring! I’m also starting out in poly-blogging, but so far haven’t even scratched the surface of what you’re doing. So cool! 🙂

  2. My children lost their biological father this past February to suicide. While he was my ex-husband (whom I was in a non-monogamous relationship with before we divorced – I am in a monogamous relationship now, long story) it still obviously has had an enormous impact on our family.

    I am not sure if this is going to come out right as I have a tendency to put my foot in my mouth, but it is really nice to see an adult who experienced the death of a parent but has grown into a seemingly capable person able to maintain healthy relationships. I am not saying what happened to you is nice… just… arg, I hope that made sense.

    I love your blog.

    • It has been a rough road and I wouldn’t say I am really good at maintaining relationships. I usually keep the relationships that I get and grow almost too attached. It’s a challenge but has gotten easier as I have gotten older. I had a really good and loving mother and that helps.

      I read about that and I am sorry. It had to been difficult. Just because you choose not to be with someone doesn’t mean that you don’t love them. My sisters’ mother and our father loved each other very much (both remarried the loves of their life) but couldn’t stand each other at the same time. I remember my dad trying to talk on the phone to her reguarding my sisters and my mom usually had to take over (they still are great friends). My mom never remarried after my father’s death. I think that your children will fare better than I did.

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