Trouble in Paradise

Here I sit alone with my thoughts, yet in a house full of people.  Wondering where the hell I am in all of this.  I’m terrified.  Completely scared.  I don’t know where it’s going wrong or how to fix it.  I know I need to do what is right but unfortunately I don’t know what that is anymore.

You want openness, you got it.

Sex, Sex, Sex…that’s what people seem to think it’s all about.  I could get sex anywhere.  I could cheat.  Millions of people do.   My legal is good in bed…so there ya go, I don’t have to cheat for sex.  I did this for love.  I did this to never feel alone.  I am more alone than ever.  When things are good in this poly relationship, they are wonderful.  When they are bad, even if you aren’t the inflicted party, we all suffer.  I don’t know what I can do to fix this.  I had some issue, sure, but it ended up not being the real issue wrapped underneath all of this. I will do anything to protect and love my biological child even if it breaks my heart.  She loves our family.  So I just asked.  What do you need?  She told us honestly and it was over…my issue, easily fixed.

I love their children as my own.  I want what is best for them too.  They deserve their parents.  They deserve stability.  If I am part of the cause of destroying their world I will never forgive myself.

I love my other spouse with all of my heart.  I never ever want to lose him.  I might though.  I can’t risk his family and I know if this ends I lose my legal husband.  I can’t win this battle.  I started it but it’s not about me.  I have no control of my own life anymore.  I have been told if he leaves here I am welcome to stay but I can’t do that to them.  I can’t strain their marriage, risk their children.  I can love another…he proved this to me…but I will ALWAYS love him.  He did absolutely nothing wrong.

I don’t know where I will go….but I will go.

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2 thoughts on “Trouble in Paradise

  1. Our paths aren’t always clear, but our destination is. I know (as do you, I’m sure) that you will get where you are supposed to be. The love you feel for those in your life is most amazing! They are lucky to have you.

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