Here I sit alone with my thoughts, yet in a house full of people. Wondering where the hell I am in all of this. I’m terrified. Completely scared. I don’t know where it’s going wrong or how to fix it. I know I need to do what is right but unfortunately I don’t know what that is anymore.
You want openness, you got it.
Sex, Sex, Sex…that’s what people seem to think it’s all about. I could get sex anywhere. I could cheat. Millions of people do. My legal is good in bed…so there ya go, I don’t have to cheat for sex. I did this for love. I did this to never feel alone. I am more alone than ever. When things are good in this poly relationship, they are wonderful. When they are bad, even if you aren’t the inflicted party, we all suffer. I don’t know what I can do to fix this. I had some issue, sure, but it ended up not being the real issue wrapped underneath all of this. I will do anything to protect and love my biological child even if it breaks my heart. She loves our family. So I just asked. What do you need? She told us honestly and it was over…my issue, easily fixed.
I love their children as my own. I want what is best for them too. They deserve their parents. They deserve stability. If I am part of the cause of destroying their world I will never forgive myself.
I love my other spouse with all of my heart. I never ever want to lose him. I might though. I can’t risk his family and I know if this ends I lose my legal husband. I can’t win this battle. I started it but it’s not about me. I have no control of my own life anymore. I have been told if he leaves here I am welcome to stay but I can’t do that to them. I can’t strain their marriage, risk their children. I can love another…he proved this to me…but I will ALWAYS love him. He did absolutely nothing wrong.
I don’t know where I will go….but I will go.