So Much to Say, Very Little Time to Say It

So…Today is the day…The day the baby is born.  I just took my husband and metamour at the hospital.  She is getting induced 3 days before her due date simply because she is miserable.  It is my usual day off and right now I would normally be doing my side job (only a few more weeks TY GOD!!) but I got tomorrow off as well knowing that the baby was coming today so I could watch my youngest (not for long) stepson.  I  may make a post a little later on the details of her birth.

Time has been very crunched.  I am still getting over the last of the flu.  It’s not like being sick, just a sneezy coughing mess from time to time.  I took a day off last week because I was so sick and slept literally all day.  I felt so much better for it.  I have been working scheduled over time, but something has always happened.  We haven’t had a chance to make laundry soap yet and are almost out of our store bought.  It’s just been crazy, which is why I haven’t been able to keep up here as much as I would like.

So first, I think I will go over time restrains and prioritizing.  It was originally planned where we were spending more time with our non legally wed but toward the end my husband and I have really rekindled our relationship.  I think knowing our time was limited and knowing there would be a month or so without spending the night with each other or having any time on his side with a new baby may have caused it.  I have my ukulele time almost every night.  Some nights I make a trek out to get drinks or to grab last minute things at the store that we always seem to forget.  I have to shower and make sure my uniform (I only have one shirt so far).  I also eat and sometimes cook dinner and I am exhausted by then.  Last but not least, I try to get an episode of anime in a night.  Right now My paramour and I are watching Log Horizon.  I get home at 330 on good days and I fit all that in. So on my two days off I have to cram in my side job (about 2 hours a week on Thursdays)  Me, the girls, and the Paramour’s laundry.  I cook dinner on both days and breakfast on Sundays.  I rush to clean my bathroom and my bedroom.  Then I have the normal stuff I do everyday, and there is some free time.  I try to make time for the metamour to do girly and household stuff on Sunday.  I think after we get a second car (yeah that doesn’t help) we are going to try and include the girls in that.  At least once a week I have been going to see my sister in law with my husband in Indianapolis too, it’s just a wreck.  I have to spend time with my kiddos…an absolute mess.

I think all the time about things I need to say and get out.  I want to talk about mending your heart.  For someone my age, I have seen a lot of heartache.  I lost my father at a very young age, and in some ways I lost my mother for a few years too (she tried her best).  I lost two nieces and a nephew.  I have a sibling that is an addict and has been since I can remember.  I have lost friends and loved ones. The heartache of infertility is ROUGH some days.  I have had multiple health problems, most before I was 18.  I am kind, sensitive, and I used to be naive and people take advantage of people like me.  I used to let it all get to me.  And I thought I had it worse than everyone else in the world, ever.  So much drama.  You can keep yourself down in that mindset.  I DON’T have it worse than everyone.  Not even in the worse of times.  I wish I knew how to word what I was trying to say.

I used to focus so much on those who rejected me and hurt me.  The “victim” in me always blamed them but always, in my heart I wondered why they couldn’t love me enough.  Why they hurt me.  ME ME ME.  I wasn’t intentionally selfish. I’m not a selfish person overall…but EVERYONE is selfish to a degree. If someone doesn’t love you as much as you love them they are the deficient ones.  They are the ones missing out.  Don’t lash out.  It’s not worth it.  Don’t bother them.  Don’t worry about it so much and try your hardest to not think about it.  You can forget if you allow yourself.  This was my biggest problem.  If I let go I felt like I was giving up on them like they did me and I never wanted to make anyone feel like the way I felt.  If they don’t seem to want you in their life, are they worth it?  You will always have your memories.  You choose rather to be angry or hurt.  Nothing is wrong with either one but you have to eventually let it all go to move on.  I never understood it.  I held on to nothing for so long.  Maybe it wasn’t nothing in  the beginning but it is now.  It may have impacted my life, of course but I have to continue living.  When you look back you aren’t looking forward.  You may pass opportunities or run into something but miss out because you are too busy looking back.

Always accept your feelings as your own. Nobody makes you feel a certain way, you just feel it. Accept that you have that control. Someone can say something or do something but you are the one who feels it. Ask yourself…WHY? I feel angry because so and so doesn’t want to be in my life. Realize you have control from that point on. You are angry, rightfully so but if you act childish or mope they won. They did not make you angry…you just are angry. You feel it. YOU. You will not be free of them if you do not accept responsibility for your feelings. Your feelings are always justified, it’s actions that aren’t. Take that anger and make it positive. They don’t want to be part of your future…others do. So let yourself heal and then take the anger and go out with friends, make yourself someone you want to be around. Trust me, I’m not being critical, this is all from being negative and leading a negative life. I have grown up and learned the difference.

I am a self proclaimed cyber stalker.  I used to have a lot of people blocked but unless I am truly avoiding the person I took them off my block lists.  I trust myself now not to talk to people.  I recently discovered while “stalking” one of these people blocked me.  It made me wonder why?  I am sure they had their reasons.  But why I cared was the biggest thing that bothered me.  It shouldn’t have.  I still have a long way to go, obviously, but I see it and I am getting there.

Well I am exhausted so I better get on my side work and start a pot of coffee.  Sorry if I don’t make sense.  I just want to share my world.  My love, my heart, my being.  I want to feel as one.  I wish I could explain it.



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