Strep Ruining all our Plans

My life has pretty much been on hold since my mom’s, we have been terribly ill, my husband and I.  I had been sick for weeks, he got struck down after and went to the hospital to discover it was strep.  We had had it so long that there wasn’t much to be done but let it run it’s course and stay away from baby girl, which really was hard.  We are all well enough now, with small lingering effects.  Basically short of drawing and sleeping I wasn’t feeling up to doing anything until Friday an the smallest thing go me tired. We had a nice Easter.  We made up hamburgers and hot dogs, had potato salad, deviled eggs, chips, and mac n cheese.  The children had Easter candy for breakfast.  It was great fun.  I boiled the eggs the night before and we colored them.  Next year I would like to experiment more with the colors, but since this is the first Easter celebrated as a family, like the other holidays are stuff is thrown together.  We had nice baskets from the “Easter Bunny”.  We then had an egg hunt where we handed out money because they had too much candy as it was, they didn’t need more.  The oldest is already limited on what she can have due to having a temporary cap on a baby tooth.  We had gotten them all Easter outfits.  I had a good time, but the children haven’t been the most appreciative bunch lately.

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The kiddos in their outfits that they wore, oh about 20 minutes.

I have been thinking a lot, since I have been sick in bed and that’s about all I could do about myself and who I am and where I want to go in this life.  I still am drawing up blanks.  My husband and I had a talk about this, and how lost I feel, though not unhappy.  I know there are things I have to do, like get into better shape, and things I want like to master the Ukulele and be the best mom ever, but nothing I can put together to form an identity.  I want to meet people, and go out there, but how?  He said classes based off interest, like beading, or volunteering at animal control.  Really though, I am lucky if this is the heftiest of my burdens.  I have much more to be grateful for than not.

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This is a collection I have built up over the past few years.  I give most of it out to friends.  I would say that beading is something I am particularly talented at.

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A closer look at some.  I typically use stone, glass, and wood, but sometimes you find a special plastic bead that are just neat.

On the family front things are falling back into place.  Most of the time I have known my metamour she was pregnant and I am realizing how much I missed her.  At the end, she was so uncomfortable she wasn’t anything but pregnant in the end.  The baby is huge, we call her Chunk.  She was 2lbs larger than her eldest sister, and 1 lbs that her two middle siblings.  She eats non stop and is healthy and oh so cute.  Paramour and I kept her last Saturday as a gift to them to get some much needed time and rest and plan on taking Friday.  I kind of like having a baby by proxy.  I don’t mind dirty diapers or feedings, or even the occasional staying up with her all night but I get to give her back, and leave the trouble shooting to her bio parents.  I don’t feel like less of a mom to her than my bio child, I have to admit I do at times feel like I am less of a mom to my other two step children but I think it’s because they have a very clear idea of who their mom and dad is and I don’t want to take that from them.  I love them just the same but my older step daughter calls me her aunt.  Now the boy calls me mama “nickname here”.  I sometimes wonder what path has been chosen for me, why I have been unable to conceive one of my own.  I am not hurt at the moment and I feel fulfilled by Chunk, but I can’t help but to yearn for it at the same time.  Am I going to travel?  Do I have purpose by some God or Deity that would call me away?  It’s easier than thinking there is no reason, that life is naturally so imbalanced.  But to end on a happier note.

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Chunk and her Mom.

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