Nothing

I feel so….I don’t know.  There is no word.  I am not sad, though it maybe part of depression, this season has been particularly hard on me.  There really isn’t a reason.  I would venture to say that Winter to Spring is the most difficult change for me, though it represent so much hope and change.  Maybe it’s because in my mind I haven’t changed even though everything around me is changing.  I have changed though.

I watched this video on Facebook the other day.  I will post it on my facebook site so you will see what I am talking about, but the narrator states that we feel lonely though we have hundreds of facebook friends we are missing true social interactions,  It is true.  How many times have I been silent in a room full of people looking at my phone instead of looking into their eyes.  I have no real friends outside of my home in this town because I am so socially afraid that I don’t do things without getting overwhelmed or fear people wont like me.  I may come off as confident, and assured, but I am not.  I know my flaws, but I think the difference now is that I also know my strengths and when I get low on myself I try and tell myself, I may not be a people person, but I am good to those around me.  A long time ago I made that decision that I felt like meeting friends online was the answer and in my life it has been the source of many problems.  However, I also met the beautiful people in my life now online, so with the ugly comes the beautiful.  I blame no one for my past choices, nor do I regret them.  They all have lead me here.  I do apologize for hurting people if I have, it was not intentional.  That’s just not my style.

I know this is vague.  That’s why I cannot explain how I feel.  I really just feel it.  I’m not sad, but I feel…distant.  I also am having issues getting motivated to live.  I feel like I am constantly waiting for something to happen so I can make my next move.

My biggest vice is money.  I want to see things, I want to learn things, I want to experience life and I just feel so stuck.  I need my wings repaired because they have been clipped by circumstance and I need to fly.

 

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3 thoughts on “Nothing

  1. feeling distant, feeling like I’m just marking time and waiting for my real life to start, being frustrated at being held back from the the things I want to pursue due to lack of the financial ability to do them…. yeah, I’ve been there lately myself. The depression thing must be going around. Hang in there, sweetness. *hug*

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