I feel so….I don’t know. There is no word. I am not sad, though it maybe part of depression, this season has been particularly hard on me. There really isn’t a reason. I would venture to say that Winter to Spring is the most difficult change for me, though it represent so much hope and change. Maybe it’s because in my mind I haven’t changed even though everything around me is changing. I have changed though.
I watched this video on Facebook the other day. I will post it on my facebook site so you will see what I am talking about, but the narrator states that we feel lonely though we have hundreds of facebook friends we are missing true social interactions, It is true. How many times have I been silent in a room full of people looking at my phone instead of looking into their eyes. I have no real friends outside of my home in this town because I am so socially afraid that I don’t do things without getting overwhelmed or fear people wont like me. I may come off as confident, and assured, but I am not. I know my flaws, but I think the difference now is that I also know my strengths and when I get low on myself I try and tell myself, I may not be a people person, but I am good to those around me. A long time ago I made that decision that I felt like meeting friends online was the answer and in my life it has been the source of many problems. However, I also met the beautiful people in my life now online, so with the ugly comes the beautiful. I blame no one for my past choices, nor do I regret them. They all have lead me here. I do apologize for hurting people if I have, it was not intentional. That’s just not my style.
I know this is vague. That’s why I cannot explain how I feel. I really just feel it. I’m not sad, but I feel…distant. I also am having issues getting motivated to live. I feel like I am constantly waiting for something to happen so I can make my next move.
My biggest vice is money. I want to see things, I want to learn things, I want to experience life and I just feel so stuck. I need my wings repaired because they have been clipped by circumstance and I need to fly.