It’s March. Not December or January or even February as I claimed earlier it’s March! I like snow, I have gotten used to the cold, but I am not all for being snowed in. Literally snowed in. I have seen much worse. But I’ve definitely seen better too.
My life feels snowed in, I can only hope that my new position as a Barista will warm up the snowy abyss that I feel in my heart. I am so tired. I am currently employed by two employers, one of which I couldn’t go to today and the other one pending a background check. I really wanted the position to work for me. I genuinely love all creatures but have learned that it takes more than love to work with animals. My free spirit was feeling trapped….I still feel trapped. I have hope. There is still that glimmer that shines like the glistening fresh snow fall. I am hoping this is just SADD at it’s finest or getting restless because my body says “it’s springtime”. I am not sad, but I am not happy either. I feel lost. I knew I was good at my last job. This one I never got to sense that accomplishment. Admitting I am not good at something is hard for me.
Reality. Reality. Reality. I tell myself that I don’t have to settle for a place I do not enjoy but the fear that I may not enjoy any job creeps into my heart. It’s not this tiny fear either. It’s this large screeching fear that I may never settle down. I may never feel contentment within myself. I also have this fear that I may never ever get to see anything because I am too busy living in the now and I keep saying “when we have money” “When we have time”. We never have money or time. Those things are not a given. What can I realistically do to see something, to do something, to experience SOMETHING. I would be content to own a home, see my children accomplish all the things I couldn’t and to see them do the things I never could do. I would be happy if I get to do things along side of them and see them even go further. To see that I inspired them to chase their own dreams and to inspire others to follow their own. I could sit around all day and be angsty. I could cry about all the opportunities I have missed. I rather plan for things that may never happen, but then I can say I tried.
I think the ultimate goal is to be happy and to share that happiness with others around me. Then, when I am too old to walk, or see, when my body begins to crumble in my mind I can be content. Truly content knowing I lived for love, I lived for happiness, my old body may not be able to do those things, but I can see them all around me.