Where am I?

Life hasn’t been uneventful.  Not in the slightest.  My life never really has been.  It’s been stagnant before, but never uneventful.  It’s not stagnant now, it’s slowly progressing somewhere, I haven’t had time to do things I have wanted to do, but that’s because life has just been happening.

I had mentioned being a barista, that obviously has taken much of my time but I feel I finally have a fit and that I am making progress in my job.  I like the company and for a big business I actually can stand them and what they try to stand for.  They really care for their partners.  I don’t necessarily want to do this forever, but if life just keeps happening the way it has been, I can live with that too.

I had had this idea I had been mustering on in my head for a book and due to recent, very tragic events in my life I have been driven to write again.  Also to read again.  Reading is my biggest escape and recently I have felt more a reason to escape my thoughts.  My brother in law passed away two weeks ago.  He was 34 years old.

He was there, along with my sister the day my eldest daughter was born.  He just started dating my sister so he only peridically stepped in to see how we were.  After she was born my sister came over along with him to help with the nervous first-time mom jitters and to help out with her.  Then we got even closer when we all were living in my mom’s house when I was in college and they were in a rough patch in their lives after they were married.  We did normal fun things, drank together, watched the superbowl together, but mainly the biggest thing was we did was go fishing.  My husband and him are/were both avid fishermen, I rather go and soak in the surroundings.  They were bffs for a time in here.  Then My husband, daughter, and I moved away to Ohio for some God awful reason (I will say it was a blast, but in the end was it worth it?) and when we came back things had changed.

Still, a few years later when we had moved away to Washington and came back, probably the darkest time in my life, we found ourselves homeless.  I was just looking for a place for my daughter but without question or hesitation my sister and him were there to let us in, if only temporary, it was enough and all we needed.  When my life came to pieces they both listened without judgement as I cried, I can’t say I always did the same for them.

Things were rocky in the end for them, but they still loved each other very much.  You would have to be there and see it to understand it, I don’t think they even understood it completely, but they always in the end, had each others backs.  Things between My husband and I, and my sister and him weren’t always perfect, but he was just part of the family and I loved him.  I am unsure I even told him in life or if I were too busy telling him how he fucked up.  Maybe he knew because I cared that he was messing up.  I have lost some sleep at night wondering had I never moved to Ohio if things may have been different.  It does no good to wonder in the end.  Should’ve, Could’ve, Would’ves never add up to much more than wasted time.  It is what it is.

I do know something to take away from all of this.  Look around you.  Look at who is there.  Look at how imperfect they are and just hold on tight and tell them you love them everyday.  Even if it’s a coworker, a friend, a lover, a child, a family member.  Tell them you love them.  Also, quit wasting your time on people who you are nothing to but entertainment or some link to the past.  It’s over, done.  Quit waiting to do things until tomorrow because tomorrow is never a given.  Life really is too short.  You hear it all the time to the point of me saying being cliche, but it’s all true.

He was 34 years old.  He left behind a wife and three children, and an entire family.  I wonder what he thought he could wait to do until tomorrow.


2 thoughts on “Where am I?

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