This is going to be messy, personal, and completely me unedited.
I’m cyclonic lately, nervous, high, low. Nasty. Why can’t I just be normal? Why can’t I just be happy? I try so hard. I wear my pretty fake smile, when all I want to do is retreat into my blanket and sleep. It doesn’t help I have a cold coming on, but let’s forget that for a moment. The only thing that seems to soothe me is the outdoors, especially the rain.
I met someone, and I seem to think about him too much, and I guess that’s alright, except that I like him and because I am not used to having friends I don’t treat people right. I try. I am loyal, but I am distrustful. I am needy and when vulnerable I lash out. I said something I wish I hadn’t and now he won’t talk to me. He’s been nice enough, maybe he is just busy, maybe I am just being over sensitive again. Maybe he just didn’t like me that much. I don’t know. I may never know now because my stupid, scared self said something that could be hurtful, was definitely ride, and completely uncalled for. He said words back, but comparably, pretty polite.
Loki says drop him, Fei says I will move on. Liliath is hopeful it will pass. I am not so sure that’s his style. Why does it bother me this much. Maybe because it’s not just him. I am really not a good person. I don’t let people in, but I dropped my guard and felt vulnerable and now I’m hurt. It really is my own fault. I am bad at social situations, but I do crave them. I want them. I don’t think I can keep doing this though, not for awhile anyway.
Starting at a very young age I had to pick up, brush off. By the time I was 10 I could cook, do laundry, get myself completely ready for school, and I was self taught. If I didnt, simply put it wasn’t done. My mom tried but couldn’t keep up with her restless mind and her crazy life. I had to be strong even though inside I was a wreck. I thought that I could protect those I loved, I turned into a parent. I was still so emotionally screwed up. According to my brother and his supposed psychology test. I’m the most sane person who took it. I don’t feel sane.
I’m just tired. If you are reading this, I don’t blame you if you never talk to me again, for several reasons, but I am sorry. I didn’t mean it. I want to beg you not to give up on me, but I’m smarter than that. I want to ask you to forgive me. I really value the budding friendship we had. If you don’t, I can’t be mad at you. Only myself.
I wish I could just be a normal person.