Vulnerable

This is going to be messy, personal, and completely me unedited.

I’m cyclonic lately, nervous, high, low.  Nasty.  Why can’t I just be normal?  Why can’t I just be happy?  I try so hard.  I wear my pretty fake smile, when all I want to do is retreat into my blanket and sleep.  It doesn’t help I have a cold coming on, but let’s forget that for a moment.  The only thing that seems to soothe me is the outdoors, especially the rain.

I met someone, and I seem to think about him too much, and I guess that’s alright, except that I like him and because I am not used to having friends I don’t treat people right.  I try.  I am loyal, but I am distrustful.  I am needy and when vulnerable I lash out.  I said something I wish I hadn’t and now he won’t talk to me.  He’s been nice enough, maybe he is just busy, maybe I am just being over sensitive again.  Maybe he just didn’t like me that much.  I don’t know.  I may never know now because my stupid, scared self said something that could be hurtful, was definitely ride, and completely uncalled for.  He said words back, but comparably, pretty polite.

Loki says drop him,  Fei says I will move on.  Liliath is hopeful it will pass.  I am not so sure that’s his style.  Why does it bother me this much.  Maybe because it’s not just him.  I am really not a good person.  I don’t let people in, but I dropped my guard and felt vulnerable and now I’m hurt.  It really is my own fault.  I am bad at social situations, but I do crave them.  I want them.  I don’t think I can keep doing this though, not for awhile anyway.

Starting at a very young age I had to pick up, brush off.  By the time I was 10 I could cook, do laundry, get myself completely ready for school, and I was self taught.  If I didnt, simply put it wasn’t done.  My mom tried but couldn’t keep up with her restless mind and her crazy life.  I had to be strong even though inside I was a wreck.  I thought that I could protect those I loved, I turned into a parent.  I was still so emotionally screwed up.  According to my brother and his supposed psychology test.  I’m the most sane person who took it.  I don’t feel sane.

I’m just tired.  If you are reading this, I don’t blame you if you never talk to me again, for several reasons, but I am sorry.  I didn’t mean it.  I want to beg you not to give up on me, but I’m smarter than that.  I want to ask you to forgive me.  I really value the budding friendship we had.  If you don’t, I can’t be mad at you.  Only myself.

I wish I could just be a normal person.

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6 thoughts on “Vulnerable

  1. I know I don’t comment much but I have to tell you that is normal to feel like this and its normal not to let anyone in especially if you are a strong woman who takes care of business. You will find that right one who will break those barriers and who will not run from you scaring them away but get closer to you to figure out your fears. … so it is ok to feel vulnerable and its normal to feel what you do…

    • Thanks. Neither of us are having much luck are we. I should just be happy to have the wonderful people I have but I’m lonely, I wasn’t always this way. I don’t know how I let myself get this bad. I feel horrible though. Like really bad.

  2. It is a phrase we all go through. I get very lonely sometimes but than I remember that I have a very fulfilling life better than most. I got my blog friends plus my real life friends and I realize feeling lonely has nothing to do with having wonderful people but realizing that your life is changing and you miss having that one individual who knows you the best. However, Is like I tell my friends I rather feel lonely than be desperate to be in the wrong relationship. You will find yourself, you will and this will fade maybe not today or tomorrow or next week but it will. It will make you realize the difference between need and want.

  3. “normal for the spider is chaos for the fly”

    *hug* i hear my kinda crazy in your words, love. ride it out, honey, and the waves will settle. (and i am pointing right back at myself with that statement, too…)

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