Women’s Wednesday ; Me, myself, and I. Why I could never trust you.

This is probably the hardest blog I will ever write.  I will not be abe to edit it.  I am terrified to write it.  I have never been public about this before.  It’s past time.  I’ve been through plenty of therapist, but have never talked about this.  I haven’t even told Loki everything.  I’ve been too ashamed, it’s very painful…  And he asked. I can’t start from the begining, I have to start before that, just so I can try and make you understand.

On June 27h 1991 my world was understandably turned upside down.  The rug was pulled from beneath my precious innocent feel.  I was emotionally stunted, but I could recover from this.  Most people lose their parents, they are just older. In some ways, although it was sometimes shamefully pointed out that I was different, I was lucky.  I didn’t get to know my father before he died.  To love and to lose.  Sure I loved him, every little girl loves her father, but any of you with living parents know you have either come to know and love them more or stay away because you don’t like them.  It sucked never knowing where I came from, but I had older siblings that helped me see a glimpse of this as a teen.  The worst part about the death of my father was probably the fallout from it for years to come.

My mom died for a year at least after my father’s death.  My older sister (who is currently back in jail grrr) took off because she couldn’t deal with his death and the fallout.  It was just me, the gamer and mom.  Mom tried to get out of bed and pick up.  I don’t blame or judge her at all.  I saw her suffer everyday until we moved in 2002.  I  watched her day in and day out fight.  I love her fro doing her best and trying so hard when she had lost so much.  She spent a good portion of her life in bed.  It seemed like everytime she tried to get up, something knocked her back down.  The story I am about to tell you is a very good example of one of those times.

My mom is an awesome woman, very quirky.  She is kind loving, and even now sort of naive.  I have picked up much of my personality from her, even my self depreciation.  She never will know what a great mother she was.  I know she may come off as neglectful but you have to understand things that aren’t my story to tell to fully understand what she did and who she was.  She tried so hard to give me and the Gamer every opportunity in the world.  This started out the same.  Everything she did was for us.  She was modern and old skool all in one.  Crazy independent, but still believed in the old roles of marrige as she was taught.  She needed to find a man to help raise the gamer, he needed a father.  I needed one too, what she found was far from a father.

She found good ole Charlie Carey.  Everyone knows he robbed my brother and I of our college fund.  Everyone knows he was a sociopathic con-man who cheated at golf and stole from the insurance company.  But nobody knows what a complete and utter asshole and waste of space he truly was.  I am sure he is dead now, and if he weren’t I’d love to do the honor of putting him in the ground myself.  Well, at least the anger is going to where it belongs now.  Infact what I would really love more than anything to exhume his body bring him back to life and set his dead or living body on fire and I’d still be angry.  I would still hate him.

I learned to love this man like a father  We started learning he wasn’t a good guy but my innocent child mind and naturally kind sould didn’t want to see this in him.  Then he started threatening and being abusive towards my mom and I began to become afraid of him.  I can’t remember all the details around what was going on, the order, they are all fuzzy, I was 10.  I was developing quite early.  He made uncomfortable comments about it often  I was awkward and thought maybe these were matter of a fact comments but being older now and knowing better they were completely innappropriate.  I can remember feeling afraid for my mom and my brother’s life as he threatened us often.  I knew at this point he was a bad gu.  My mom reassured us he was on the out, she had an exit plan, but I was still confused.  He was starting to isolate us from the rest of our family, but even then I didn’t know in my heart of hearts what a bad man he was.  I guess you just have to find out for yourself

It was the Superbowl.  I was in the 4th grade.  I had a bet with the boys in class who was going to win the Superbowl.  I got to stay up late that night to watch.  Boyz II Men did the halftime show.  I rememer Charlie making nasty statements about black people except for them.  He made me give him a back rub until my arms hurt.  Then I laid down beside him.  he cuddled up against me.  I remember having to pee but he held me down and wouldn’t let me up.  My back was towards him.  His hand went up my shirt and I don’t want to remember anymore.  It seemed like it was hours, but I am sure it was minutes.  It could have been much more traumatic.  It could have been worse…but he was the closest thing I had to a father.  It wasn’t ok.  it wasn’t my fault.  I didn’t want that.  I didn’t even want to rub his back or cuddle with him.  I didn’t want his nasty beer breath anywhere near me.

I don’t want your pity.  I don’t know what I want from this.  I want to be free of not being able to trust anyone.  It’s been forever and everytime I let my guard down I feel like…I am being let down again.  I don’t want him to have this power over me anymore.

When I said I hadn’t talked about this publicly, I meant it.  I think everyone in this house knows.  Fae knows.  My brother and one of my older sisters know.  I just old mom about 3 years ago.  I was afraid of how she would take it but come to find out my sister had told her, she was waiting for me.  I told an ex and he knows.  Maybe a few random people.  I have kept this to myself.  I am stil ashamed but I know it’s not my fault.  he robbed me in so many ways.  It was a relief when he ran away.  I was so angry afterwards.  I hated men for years.  I did some not so great things in the years to come and I now know that it was because I was trying to regain some control..and I just wanted someone to love me.

I AM A SURVIVOR OF SEXUAL ABUSE.

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5 thoughts on “Women’s Wednesday ; Me, myself, and I. Why I could never trust you.

  1. Sending my love your way. Thank you for sharing this and being so very strong. I’m so glad you shouted this out from the rooftops – well done. I admire your courage.

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