Sometimes you just feel like crap. Just utter crap. I have been informed that I need to put myself on a pedestal, tell myself I am above it all, and rise up. Dating is hard. I have no practice with it. I’m not good at riddles and puzzles having to do with the heart. I don’t play with others and I expect the same in return. I have no game because I don’t want to be a game.
I like the way I am but have been told by Loki, I have to put myself above others. I am unsure I can do it. I am a caregiver, a lover, a kindred soul. Can I really put myself above others? I think I am awesome the way I am. I like that I always want to help others. I like that I am open and honest. I don’t like being hurt, lonely, and left behind. I can see when it’s time to exit, when it’s cathartic to both parties, but when do you see before it gets to that point you deserve more?
I have this problem where if anyone gives me the time a day, I reserve time and space for them. It’s not a good thing, I just want to be loved, rather it’s a friend or more. I also want to make time for those who put time into me, show my appreciation. I am not sure how to balance this. How to know who is buying time or who is really there? Who should I trust? Who I should wait to let in? Should I just let everyone in but be more guarded?
Loki blames himself. I was 13 years old when we got together and I am clueless. I am sheltered. With the good comes the bad. I have had someone awesome in my life for nearly 20 years who has mainly been an uplifting force in my life. I’m poly, there isn’t a doubt in my mind now this isn’t how I chose to be because right now, I wouldn’t be choosing this. I
want need more than him. Fei again, an amazing man, I probably would have never met him without Loki by my side. I have now met three men on my own, no help, two ended pretty freaking badly, though the more recent not as bad as the first. I guess I should give myself a little more credit. I am learning. The third is still up in the air. We are calling him Mojo jojo. I think I like him, and he likes that I put up with his shit lol. I just want to be his friend. He makes me laugh. I’ll take it as it comes, if it ever comes. I’m being patient but with surrounding circumstances in my life and with him being unavailable it’s difficult for me.
I do have plans to get out there and meet people. Bunny wants to take me to 501. There is also talk of Bunny, Liliath, and I hitting up a drag show. We also have been hanging out with other poly people as friends and just discovering what it is to other people.
Somehow after putting it all down, I feel somewhat better. I am ready, just need to slow down while in action. Maybe just wait and good things will happen?