Decency

I haven’t a modicum, an inch of the word in the past few weeks.  I have been trudging through this sewer that has become my life taking full advantage of the temporary smiles that were just going to bring heartbreak later. 

My last date didn’t go so well.  He was definitely the end of my dating queue, whatever about that.  It happens.  People just don’t hit it off.  It was a date, no hugs or kisses exchanged. 

I got so swept in the wrong one that if the right one had come I wouldn’t have seen it.  He was my soul friend, my love, now he is gone and it’s really my fault as much as it is his.  If it helps things, I’ll take all the blame.

So many other things have happened.  I’m just tired.  I was never ready to date.   I was looking for things I thought were impossible to find and crazy enough I did and I lost touch with reality that maybe, just maybe I was the only one swept up in it.  Maybe I was allowing myself to be used.

When I discover polyamory was a thing and that’s what I was I never expected this.  Any of this.  So many judgements have been thrown my way and some from the closest people to me, most by strangers.  Poly people use people as playthings, we are all easy and sleep around.  It’s literally impossible for me to sleep around…  this being said I am done.  I have lost track of who I am and now I am just lost.  Not a good feeling.  I need to get myself back on track, so consider this my hiatus.

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5 thoughts on “Decency

  1. ohhh, sister. i know how you feel. this sounds like my posts a few months back. it’s okay to be lost for awhile. you’ll find a whole new part of yourself while you are. just breathe. go moment by moment, and don’t make massive decisions when not clear-headed about what you really want. *hug*

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