I haven’t been able to work on myself because so much of my time has been devoted to surviving. My Beast and I are crashing at his sister’s trailer to get our shit somewhat together… As together as we will manage.
What do I know about myself. I’d rather be unstable and experience than stable and boring. I have to pull myself out of my depression and let go of all fears and allow myself to experience adventure. Example, we did a free fall stunt jump. I am afraid of heights and was in an overall shitty mood when the opportunity arose. I looked down, almost came back down the stairs, but then I looked over at my stepson, and knew that wasn’t an option. It hurt like hell, but, I did it. I like comics, reading romance novels, and art. I want to lose weight and the focus be fitness. I really am into wrestling. I love my family and my tribe. I don’t really sweat people who don’t want to be part of it anymore. We are awesome, it’s their loss and problem, not mine. Never say no to an experience if I can feasibly say yes. Always help because it will help me in the end. I wish I could live on a barter system. I have an artistic soul. Spiritual people’s homes make me feel extremely at home. I love supporting others in their endeavors and passions. I wish I could live off the land. I’m sexual, sensual, and picky all at once. My anxiety often takes me places I don’t belong. I still want to grow and have room for growth. I am loved.
OK, so after being robbed and losing our jobs we worked for David’s Aunt helping her move. We ended up in Wisconsin. I feel like I developed a new family there. It also has helped build a more solid foundation with my Beast’s family. If there is such thing as the one (I don’t want to discount my poly families’ or tribe’s love because I have seen it work for them) I am certain I have found my match. It’s nearly been a year just us. We still act like it’s new. I still miss him when he is with his friends or at work but I want him to have his own life and not us just to be an extension of one another. I can’t say much until I am divorced. But I know how I feel. I know how our disagreements go. I know this is real. I know. I am happy. I am homeless, not scared and happy, as long as I am with him. I feel safe.
In Wisconsin I felt at home with our dear cousin. Her home felt… Right. I cannot explain it. I know it is due to spiritual reasons because I get a similar feeling at my eldest sisters home. I know what path I am meant for, but I fortunately lack any stability in my life. I honestly feel I am just now in a union that will allow me to celebrate my spirituality my way without teasing me too much about it. I also needed to mature and get away from my Christian roots.
So much is still in the air. But I have a good feeling about everything.