To Her, If She is Reading

I knew her in high school.  I liked her, she liked me, but we weren’t particularly close.  We rode the same school bus which was weird since we attended different elementary schools.  But somewhere in rural central Indiana in farmland I guess this wasn’t that uncommon.

Fast forward maybe 10 years she reached out to me on facebook needing a ride to a food pantry she knew we would be attending with our daughter.  She herself was now on disability with two sons who’s father was in prison.  She was struggling, we were but differently.  We hit it off pretty fast.  As did her and my ex, Loki.

We were there for each other.  She helped me understand more about my then husband and was a great listener and a lot of friend.  I had just lost my best friend when she couldn’t deal with the fallout of my ex and her’s affair and she was different than that but helped fill that hole in my heart.  When I attempted suicide, she held me tight.  When she had man problems we were there to make her laugh and remind her what a loser he was for losing her anyway because she was the best.

Her and Loki would fight, as they were both very fiery and so much the same but I would do my best to stay out of it and defend the one to the other.  It could be hell living with Loki when he didn’t like someone I loved.  He isn’t respectful of those feelings, he is opinionated to a fault, stuck in his ways, will not censor himself for anyone.  One of the many things I still love about the man as one of my best friends, if I want an honest opinion without the sugar coating I’ll get it.  She is much the same but I didn’t live with her.  Don’t get me wrong this was never behind each other’s back, neither had a problem telling each other exactly how it was.  It was hard to have both of their backs, but I managed.

We moved away.  We didn’t lose touch.  I tried to come see her anytime I came into town.  Eventually Loki and I split, the first time it wasn’t pretty and I reached out to her and she was done with me.  I know I had to have done something but I still am not sure what it was.  I don’t really care about any of it anymore.  She was there for me in the toughest part of my life.  I can’t make her want to be in my life but I need some sort of closure on this.  I want her to know I don’t care about any of the negative.  If I had a choice she would be in my life.  But it’s not my choice at this point and I accept that loud and clear.  I just miss her.  That’s it.  I will always love and appreciate her and what we had and look back fondly.  If it weren’t for her I wouldn’t have gotten through any of it.  Thank you so much for just being yourself and loving me when I didn’t love myself.

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