How Am I Supposed to Feel?

I never hide myself, my feelings, and now I am trying to see that this is what causes any drama in my life.  When I hurt I let the world know I am hurt.  It’s not the stupid things, that’s why I think I thought for so long I was drama free.  When I am emotionally wounded my heart visibly breaks.

So recently I felt rejected by someone.  My Beast knows the details, I am not going into them.  It’s more that it doesn’t matter than anything.  It was by someone I really barely know, and can’t even know for sure it was rejection, but I do know this person wasn’t really interested in getting to know me like I was them.  I was partially wanting to lash out at them, but realized said tidbit above….And why?  Because they are too busy to talk to me?  Because my crazy doesn’t match theirs?  Because they don’t wanna be from my apple tree or part of my tribe?  These things aren’t requirements for my friendship and I shouldn’t want to be in any sort of relationship with someone that is going to make me feel like causing that kind of drama in my life.  Don’t get my wrong, many of my relationships were formed on highly volatile grounds and that’s why they are awesome now, they got past my emotional insecurities, and immaturity and got to know me, and I know once these bonds are formed, it will be inevitable, it will come out, and they can be tested then, BUT I don’t stand a chance at friendship with adults if I act on my first instinct.  Nobody is out to get me.

I am actually pretty low key and low drama until I flip the fuck out.  It’s anxiety, I know that now…rejection, a feeling that someone can’t love me or that they are abandoning me.  Honestly, nobody has “abandoned” me in a very long time.  I have been friends with my closest friends for at least a year or more.  Loki, my ex husband and I talk almost everyday and still have a pretty close friendship, it just changed, he didn’t leave me and he never will, same here.  Beast and I have been together almost two years now.  We have had some major issues, but I chalk it up to growing pains, things most couples go through before getting too serious.  I talk to my mom several times a week and we don’t talk too much, but my siblings are still present in my life and me in theirs.  Nothing has changed.

How do we heal these old wounds and correct our own actions before creating something we cannot heal.  I don’t have many friends, and I suspect I probably won’t ever have that many, I am just too introverted, but I don’t want to ruin things with people before they begin.  I want to give people a chance.  I was in therapy but can’t afford to take off work to go any longer.  I feel like I am starting to make these realizations on my own now, knowing that I have to.  I liked her and I wish I had the time to go but I don’t feel it’s necessary to continue down the right path anymore.  I’m sorting myself more easily than I expected.

When people don’t know me, I seem calm, rational, intelligent.  They don’t see mentally ill, bipolar.  It took a long time to get diagnosed with something the closest person to me said I had as a teenager, they told her I was just moody.  My mother called it.  I was responsible because I had to be.  I had some impulsiveness but I also had other scars that kept me from jumping too high because I’d seen the consequences too personally already.  My anger could be dangerous and scary, but it rarely got there.  In so many ways I grew up way too fast, in other ways I’m unsure I’ll every fully grow up.  But they had balanced out to make me appear an average person.  It’s not until you really know me that you can see me.  My highs are all emotional.  I feel on top of the world when I am getting to know a person, when they like me, when I like them.  It makes me volatile.  I am either very super happy, on cloud nine or I don’t understand why they don’t like me the same or why I wasn’t good enough, I internalize it and I blow up.  And if someone I feel has wronged me, they are cast out in a dramatic fashion and I am just done with them.  I can’t have in-betweens except with people I work with, which I have in my adult mind tried not to get too close to or I have let these relationships form over time to where, they know me and know what they are getting into and likewise, I have taken years to get to know them.


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