What Am I Up To?

So, Things have been things.  I’m constantly busy, very little time for myself and I don’t really take care of myself the way I am supposed to.  I’m not at like an all time weight high or anything crazy.  I actually worked a way more strenuous job as a fast food worker, more physical but ate the food every day when I was at my highest.  At that time I was diagnosed with borderline diabetes/pcos.  Anyone who is not familiar with PCOS it’s terrible.  There is no actual cure, just symptom treatments.  Basically my ovaries look like swiss cheese because of the cyst.  Usually they are small but occasionally (like the past few weeks) I get ones that are large and hurt.  I’ve had one surgically ruptured and several rupture on their own.  It causes obesity for several reasons.  It messes with your insulin making weight harder to lose.  It messes with your hormones, which when on hormone treatments and the correct treatments  makes it a little easier, most people gain weight on birth control, I average about 20 lbs lighter.  It makes women infertile which is devastating.  I have persistent acne and some chin hairs which aren’t quite on the grounds to call hirsutism but it causes that and often severe painful acne for people.  It’s not a fun disease to have but the best treatment for it is weight loss.  And the hardest.  When changing my diet because the borderline diabetes scared me I lost 4 lbs…that’s it.  However, I did change things enough that I have maintained a glycemic index of 5.7 which is excellent and I do not take metformin.  Unfortunately I also do not take birth control as my insurance quit covering it.  I wake up every morning in pain.  My thighs hurt so bad it’s hard to get out of bed.

I’m not ready to die and basically I feel like that it’s change my life or die at this point.  My boyfriend is super supportive in all of this.  He plans on doing the workouts and changing his diet while at home so I’m not tempted to stray.  This is an entire lifestyle change.  I am going with DDP Yoga.  It’s great for beginners, there is the appeal to David about the wrestling but after watching some of the stories of the broken down, obese, drug addicted wrestlers that’s life it has changed and some are even wrestling again, if it saves them, it can save me.  They have way more pain than I do and they can do this, so can I.

I will be starting a new blog as I feel I may have outgrown this one.  I for one, am poly friendly but I’m just not poly.  I have the ability to love more than one, but it’s more about community than sex or even relationships.  I’m going to be divorced soon.  Just waiting on the court date.  I am still a mom to all, but I feel I have more of an identity than that now.  There is so much I still want to do but I can’t do any of it if I don’t take care of myself first.  I have some friends who are on this weight loss journey with me and a few friends who aren’t well who want to do DDP.  I have so much support.  I was afraid I would have to do bariatric surgery and I wasn’t convinced I wouldn’t just go back to old habits and gain it all back.

I need to heal in so many places still but therapy isn’t an option right now with my work schedule.  I have really been struggling with PTSD flash backs the past few weeks.  It started with a nightmare and now in traffic, anywhere, I will just go back and sort of lose it.  David has been struggling too with his own problems but has been so awesome.

This is such a mental dump I’m sorry my mind is flying right now.

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