It feels like my divorce was just finalized…. Oh yeah, it was.  John and I had been separated for almost 2 years and I had filed in March but apparently agreeing on everything and not having a lawyer made things take forever.. Who knew.   I am getting married in less than 2 weeks.  The biggest question from people is why I went back to my maiden name if I am just getting married again.  Easy….. I’m not taking David’s name.  My dad died when I was little and gave me very little, he did give me a name and I plan on using it as my own identity separate from both my children, and my husband.   Hannah shares her dad’s name Marley (assuming that stays her name) will also share a name with her dad.  Both may change their names someday… Why should I conform for them?  Maybe it’s silly but honestly, I am happy about it.  It’s been crazy changing everything back so I am very excited to never do that again. 

Many people assume the baby is why we are getting married.  She’s not.  Not even close.  We talked about it for over a year but honestly we haven’t been stable enough to go for it.  Also, the baby does solidify us not just running away because things get rough, there is another reason to stay, but if we are honest we never wanted to go anyway.  So why now?  Easy, I want David to claim Hannah on his taxes next year.  I don’t get a return until I file bankruptcy (long story) he owes a little in back support, which it will easily cover, her dad doesn’t have a job (stay at home dad, it’s totally cool) and it doesn’t benefit his common law wife to claim her (she already has 3 she claims) so I’m claiming her until he gets a job, every year.  He still has a couple years until their youngest is in school.  So, financial reasons.

I know people who have been together for many many years and marriage just isn’t their thing.  I know people who get married after years and split up.  We have resolved not to really change much, but it’s hard.  We are both excited.  But honestly, he does not belong to me, or me to him.  We are two very individual people with our own ideas, thoughts, and feelings.  People sometimes come to me to “talk” to him.  I try but honestly if the person would just talk to him to begin with, it would go better.  I am not keeping him from anything nor do I influence him.  He very much has very open opinions and is loud about them.  He is the most compassionate person you will ever meet until you cross him.  At that point he may be courteous to your existence, with the exception of his ex wife, he will not forget what you have done.  And now I would go as far as saying the same goes for his ex, every since she kept his son from him, now twice.  The first time he never forgot but worked hard to forgive, this time…. There will be a court date.  It won’t be pretty.  And trust me when she would threaten every weekend I tried to tell him, I feel you need to get this visitation set in stone through the court.  But he just wanted to work it out. 

I get cold feet, but not in the traditional sense.  His closest friends don’t care much for me, his sisters have a beef with me, I’m pretty sure his parents blame me for the problems with his sisters.  I don’t want to be the bad guy all the time.  He assures me his friends are cautious of me, it’s not really personal.  As for his sisters, he says that one kicked him out and expected him to just be OK with it and he’s not.  The other is always drama and that has nothing to do with me.  His parents don’t want to see that this has nothing to do with me, and that’s their problem.  They can live in their bubble in FL.  His ex also tries to blame me for him not seeing his child but I think I have adequately proved that wrong over the holiday by willing to pretty bend over backwards and her still making excuses.  I’m pretty sure no one blames me for that.  It’s hard though, being the villianess, but I guess a small price to pay for being in love.  It just sucks because I want someone to be happy for us and not just that we are “doing the right thing for the baby”. 


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