Lessons Learned

So Monday I finally got my divorce papers turned in.  I just been thinking lately where my life is and where it’s leading.  I want to marry my beast but I am terrified.  I don’t want to fail, once again, at the whole love thing.  With my poly tendencies it scares me when I sort of get a crush on someone but I always come clean.  It scared me when I was with Loki too and he told me he usually knew it anyway.  I am not a cheater.  I did that once and it was painful enough for all parties involved.  One of those lessons learned I guess.

I really am going to talk about one of the biggest lessons I have learned and stuck with me since that time I cheated almost 15 years ago.  I sort of cheated more recently with my beast (not on him) but I knew we were unraveling and my poly family didn’t consider it cheating but he certainly was cheating on his then girlfriend with me, a first for him believe it or not.  I learned to be an open book.  As soon as I realized I had a crush I told My love and he thought it was cute though I found it, though exciting, distressing as well.  I don’t do dating, I am too insecure to be in a poly relationship, though my relationship with David is really strong, I am really unsure if that’s the path I even want to go.  I know I am capable of multiple love, but I also know I am emotionally stunted and need security.  Part of me feels like I am holding my very poly boyfriend hostage.  I know he has feelings for others, the people I know about, it really doesn’t bother me, it did at one time because I am his #1.  Part of me wants what I have grown up and romanticizing about.  That Soulmate, that perfect love.  A bigger part of me, the soon to be divorced part of me knows, MARRIAGE IS HARD.  Loki is still one of my closest friends, but we don’t want to be married anymore.  I do not feel romantically about him at all.  WE TRIED EVERYTHING TO SAVE OUR MARRIAGE but none of it worked.  We were babies when we got together and grew different ways.  Living with each other in the end was either hell or content, lukewarm, comfortableness.  We were used to each other, sex was ok, if we didn’t talk about certain subjects we didn’t fight, and we walked on eggshells not to set the other off.  We didn’t really fight much anymore….but when we fought, stuff was broken, people were hurt physically and scarred emotionally, everyone knew we were fighting, police nearly got involved quite a bit.  It was pretty bad.  It was every fight.  Now we get our spat out, walk the other direction, be mad at each other a few hours and are like, oh well.  Fuck you, call me later.  Anyway, the point is we tried marriage counseling, church, individual counseling, medicine, changing for one another, poly, open marriage, group sex, splitting up, breaks, everything, It was unsalvageable.  The dream couple in high school, each other’s everything, gone.

Moving forward to my newest (not my first since Loki, that was Fei) I make sure to not be his everything and I am trying to get into things that aren’t including him.  Being someone’s everything is unhealthy.  I watch wrestling with him, even like and get into some of it, it’s really important to him BUT he has a whole set of wrestling friends, I make it a point that he goes and does things with them, not including me.  I have interest he indulges me with but he hasn’t the slightest interest in.  We have our own thing.

Open communication, even if it is going to hurt is a must.  I know when we had our problems last July he wasn’t comfortable talking to me because I was mentally ill.  I broke down easily.  It was scary for him.  I don’t agree with how he dealt with it but I understand why he did the things he did.  I don’t think it’s something that will happen again.

I have something healthy, probably for the first time ever, and it’s so precious to me I am afraid of breaking it.  We are two people that have to work to be mentally healthy, it’s not easy and it’s a daily struggle.  People who are born well won’t understand the challenge.  Healthy relationships, and interactions with people are part of your everyday life.  They aren’t for us.  We have to work past blow ups, medicine mishaps, manic highs, suicidal lows, on top of the everyday things that people deal with.  We can feed off each other or stay strong and lift the other.  If you feed each other negativity, that’s the outcome, if you feed off good energies, good outcome, and the manic…it’ll seem good, and happy, until we do regrettable actions, so it’s also about keeping grounded.  So, if I decide to sleep in my bed three days he understand.  When he gets ahead of himself and wants to do everything in the world, I tell him to pick one, when we are talking about ideas for our home, we feed into each other, give input.  When one of us decides something is the end of the world, give allow grieving time and gently show them, it’s really not.

Together Beast and I have been homeless, scammed, through a major accident that easily could have cost him his life and had long term injuries, minor legal problems that landed him in jail, both had mental hospital stays, moved several times, gained friends, lost friends and family, both been through divorce together, custody issues, and honestly….  I feel nothing but love and admiration for him.

I am still unsteady.  I am still not sure where I am.  I just know, I want him.