Falling from the Tightrope

For those of you with mental health struggles, this will make more sense.  For those of you who don’t know this struggle I will just come off as more crazy.  I really don’t care how I come off.  Mental health should be seen the same as physical health.  It’s not.  I lost my insurance while switching to state insurance.  My rate is very affordable so switching was definitely the right option.  The wrong option was not being proactive on getting my medications filled.

I went a month without meds.  It was July and June to July are always a little rough for me.  I started a new job in here and some little things happened that weren’t so cool but I was falling apart every step of the way.  I have never experienced Discontinuation Syndrome before but it happens to 1 and 5 people who suddenly quit taking ssri’s.  So if you have depression or bipolar/bipersonality disorder (have been diagnosed with the latter along with PTSD and major depressive disorder)  or know someone that does, it’s like those symptoms intensified.  It’s hard to tell if it’s the drugs or the symptoms of the disease but it’s definitely caused by the serotonin and other chemicals in your brain being majorly unbalanced.  If you are on any drugs like this it is VERY important to be under a physicians care if you need to quit taking them for any reason.

In my case it started a very quick roller-coaster between mania to severe depressive episodes.  I quit having trust in anyone.  I was having delusions that David needed more than me so we had to be poly for him to be happy though he told me time and time again I didn’t need to and he would be happy with just me.  I knew how to behave but I couldn’t control my emotions.  I knew that if I could be rational I would wield the results needed.  None of this helped David’s own emotional state.  He was scared and didn’t know how to deal.  I was his security and I was falling apart, picking emotional fights.  He met someone while we were poly and I was not ok with it and things got out of control.  He realized she wasn’t what she said and he was idealizing the situation before I ended up in the hospital.  I was totally off my rocker by then that even if he tried to explain his feelings to me I wouldn’t have heard or believed him.  Another person involved was purposely harming me and I am unsure why.  He was telling me things that weren’t truthful and telling me other things that were none of my business.  By this time I was almost completely delusional and even when I tried to be ok or normal I couldn’t be.  when I became disassociate I knew this was beyond me.  I went into the hospital.  I had lost 15 lbs in in 5 days.  I was severely dehydrated.  My blood sugar was low.  I hadn’t eaten a meal in three days and getting back up to a meal took a couple weeks.  By the time I left the hospital I had met with David twice and he said that the sleep in itself that I hadn’t done much of in five days changed me but I was still very emotional.  The next day when he visited he said he knew he wanted us back.  I was back to myself for the most part.  One day on medicine made a world of difference.

So I take my medication.  I go to therapy, but mainly I lead a pretty normal life and just remember to take care of myself and remember I have a chronic illness and if I don’t take care of me I cannot take care of anyone else.