The Never Ending Bipolar Disorder Struggle

I have been uninsured since July.  Gradually I have turned into a person with little interest and no intensity.  When I am medicated I hate not having the intensity I am used to having when I am on an upswing into mania but nothing is worse than this.  I feel nothing besides anxiety and eh.   I mean I guess I do , but not enough to feel like I am enjoying life.  I don’t write, listen to music, draw, I don’t even cook anymore.  I just feel tired.  I also think to top things off I have anemia.  I had to choose between birth control and iron supplements after I had Mara due to the risk of blood clots and I chose birth control, though it’s here nor there since I don’t have insurance.

The only thing I have done is to make my home more a home for everyone and take care of everyone else but my tank is empty and I have no reserves left.  Luckily I should have insurance soon and the first thing I will do is get put back on medication and birth control.  I actually am having minor problems and never got my post birth check up so I have a lot of work to be done.  My last job had me working that day and I really should have not let them run my life.  I also have had a hip issue since I had her and I can’t stand long periods, or lay in certain ways.

I do have a few resolutions for the year, if you say, they are more like goals and they don’t really have a time frame.

1.  Put my health on the front burner

I have worried so much about others and haven’t been taking care of me.  People work themselves into an early grave like that.  My family needs me and I want to be there for them

2.  Lose weight so I can better enjoy life (roller coasters, zip lining)

I am past the point of caring what I look like.  My husband finds bbws attractive.  I know there is more to me than looks.  I, however can’t shake that buying clothes would be easier if I were a little thinner and I wouldn’t have to worry that if I get into a plane they might charge me for a second ticket or it would be uncomfortable.  My husband loves amusement parks and I am terrified that they will tell me I’m too fat to ride the rides.  I want to go and I used to love them too.  I’ve always wanted to zip line but they often have strong weight restrictions.

3.  Make some close friendships.

We made a pretty close friend in 2017 and he is still around and we usually have weekly game nights.  I want to have more people in my life.  This is actually more specific than I care to share on a public blog but the interest we would share maybe kink as well.  However it has been discussed that we want deeper connections with those people as well, so it couldn’t just be that.

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