Save me from the Darkness

Bipolar Depression sucks.  I can’t focus, I can’t remember anything and for the first time in many years I am sober, completely,  so no anxiety medication either.  Being an adult and suffering is so much different than being a teenager or a child.  I don’t want people to know what’s wrong because I don’t want it to be my excuse but when I forgot my alarm code at work I just wanted to cry.  I’ve worked here 7 months and I forgot something basic and everyday.  I tried to pull it off as, “oh, I’m just a ditz” but coworkers will notice and I’ll have to explain it and hope they get it.

Now I’ve never done hard drugs, and I only drink a few times a year, but since I got pregnant a year ago I don’t really smoke marijuana either.  I don’t think anything is wrong with it, it helped me a great deal but it’s illegal and obviously I wasn’t going to smoke while pregnant.  I miss it.

I thought I’d be more disappointed I didn’t get the ABM position in Shelbyville, but I’m not.  They felt I wasn’t ready and honestly, they are probably right.  The money would have been nice, but it was an hour dive and probably even more hours.  I was excited more for the experience on my resume than the actual job.  This is a stepping stone, that is all.  I love my coworkers but not enough to make less than I deserve too, that being said this is definitely the highest paying job I’ve made and when you make bonus, just fuck yeah.

Home is pretty awesome when I am there.  Kid is home for the summer, Mara is my cuddly sweet cherub,  David….  I couldn’t be the woman I am now without him.  He is so sweet, smart, fun, and cuddly.  Perfect.  I’ve been far to grumpy lately and he just tries to be understanding.  When I knew I wanted him 3 years ago, it was because I knew he was the only person who would ever get me and I knew I got him too.  I thought I had it once but honestly I only made it up because I yearned for it so bad.

I hate that my life revolves around him so fully.  He has a whole life without me and here I have really nothing.  Most my friends live up north.  I don’t want to go out and make friends without him, being beasties with anyone at work is unlikely and not necessarily a good idea.  My friends moved on without me (as they should) but I had my poly family and our children then I met David and that was it.  I had a friend pretty close but David and her had a huge falling out and it became awkward being around her as she had only bad things to say about him.  I think of all of everything what hurts and sucks the most is he doesn’t get it.  And I tried explaining it and he made it about him.

To top it off food is like the only thing that makes me happy and I don’t really need to gain weight.  I feel gross as it is.  Mom told me to try different organizations to help but when?  When I am off I am running constantly and I get one weekday off, one weekend and work 1w hour days the other weekdays.  I want to feel better…but how?