Honesty

I have been reading my most read blogs from the year.  I think I throw blurbs out before reading them through fully….

I’m going to be honest….

I am so lost.

I know my whirl-wind banking job left me no  time for self care, to take care of business outside of work, or to do anything other than work, at all.  None.  The two weeks I had off I was sick with a really bad cold, maybe a flu, and just rested and spent quality time with my baby.  I planned on  doing a lot during shuthe down without thinking, most offices and businesses were closed.  I have missed a lot of work being sick, kids being sick, David being sick, and some crazy, unfortunate, unexpected stuff happening.  I literally will lose my job if I have any weeks where I am even a minute short on hours without approval.

But back to me, I have been sickly this year.  We haven’t had insurance, which we finally do and are scheduled the 25th.  I know, idiotically I didn’t even get my postnatal check up because my previous job wouldn’t give me the time off I needed.  This is definitely an American thing as in other countries they give more than six weeks.

I don’t enjoy anything.  I’m not suicidal, I’m always tired, we have no money for anything…..  I feel stuck but with hope I guess.  Obviously I lost my bipolar meds when I lost insurance but, I felt apathy before that, maybe the meds weren’t working right.

I feel happiness, but not joy.  I feel sad but not really.  I just feel meh.  But I can’t look at Mara and not feel happy.  She is so damn cute and really the sweetest baby.  She really is a good baby.

 

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