An Update

I haven’t been able to work on myself because so much of my time has been devoted to surviving.   My Beast and I are crashing at his sister’s trailer to get our shit somewhat together… As together as we will manage. 

What do I know about myself.   I’d rather be unstable and experience than stable and boring.   I have to pull myself out of my depression and let go of all fears and allow myself to experience adventure.   Example,  we did a free fall stunt jump.   I am afraid of heights and was in an overall shitty mood when the opportunity arose.   I looked down,  almost came back down the stairs,  but then I looked over at my stepson,  and knew that wasn’t an option.   It hurt like hell,  but,  I did it.   I like comics,  reading romance novels,  and art.  I want to lose weight and the focus be fitness.   I really am into wrestling.   I love my family and my tribe.  I don’t really sweat people who don’t want to be part of it anymore.   We are awesome,  it’s their loss and problem,  not mine. Never say no to an experience if I can feasibly say yes.   Always help because it will help me in the end.   I wish I could live on a barter system.  I have an artistic soul.   Spiritual people’s homes make me feel extremely at home.   I love supporting others in their endeavors and passions.   I wish I could live off the land.   I’m sexual,  sensual,  and picky all at once.   My anxiety often takes me places I don’t belong.   I still want to grow and have room for growth.   I am loved.   

OK,  so after being robbed and losing our jobs we worked for David’s Aunt helping her move.   We ended up in Wisconsin.   I feel like I developed a new family there.   It also has helped build a more solid foundation with my Beast’s family.   If there is such thing as the one (I don’t want to discount my poly families’ or tribe’s love because I have seen it work for them)  I am certain I have found my match.   It’s nearly been a year just us.   We still act like it’s new.   I still miss him when he is with his friends or at work but I want him to have his own life and not us just to be an extension of one another.   I can’t say much until I am divorced.   But I know how I feel.   I know how our disagreements go.   I know this is real.   I know.   I am happy.   I am homeless,  not scared and happy,  as long as I am with him.   I feel safe. 

In Wisconsin I felt at home with our dear cousin.   Her home felt… Right.   I cannot explain it.   I know it is due to spiritual reasons because I get a similar feeling at my eldest sisters home.   I know what path I am meant for,  but I fortunately lack any stability in my life.   I honestly feel I am just now in a union that will allow me to celebrate my spirituality my way without teasing me too much about it.   I also needed to mature and get away from my Christian roots.   

So much is still in the air.   But I have a good feeling about everything.