Delete.delete.block.delete

I’ve been social media purging. I’m human purging in real life. Hopefully I’ll be emotionally purging in therapy. Calorie binging unfortunately. But it’s got to get better. At least I still haven’t had soda.

So therapy…I reached out to a domestic abuse place to ask them about therapy and they pointed me in the right direction. I’m getting my haircut tomorrow which is like my ultimate purge. I also have a job interview for a super part time job at the Y. And I got a full time job today as a temp.

I’m not going to have a lot of time to think and worry. I will have therapy, two jobs, the gym, a family, various appointments. Then slowly add a social life in there.

Sleepless

It’s 3 am. I haven’t written in months…maybe years. I….have been going through life changes. Beautifully painful ones. Those ones you are stronger and happier for. Those. But painful. And I obviously deleted everything…well almost everything in here.

To lie and say suicide hasn’t even crossed my mind…well…I won’t. But I never will. EVER. My baby needs me. My husband…he is so sweet and tries so hard to be patient…he would be lost. My son has pretty much already lost his bio mom. My eldest would be left with their dad. Those aren’t real options and this pain….all the different pain the past 6 months. I would prove those nagging voices right. I’m a failure. I’m not good enough. To the people that matter I am. Jaime I don’t think could handle losing another friend that way…or anyone right now in anyway. My mom deserves to die before any of her babies.

But most importantly…what’s next. I’m home, where I need to be. I am ready to heal in all ways. Open. I have made so much progress in 4 years. I can rediscover myself. I can have adventures. David didn’t know I actually wrote books… That’s insane. It’s time to let go. I told John no communication unless it’s about our child. Not ever. None. And it’s right. I’m out of the cult.

Twenty-three years. Almost. And it started really young. By the time I was 16 or 17 I had no friends that weren’t also his friends. By 16 or 17 I was scared of his mood swings and terrified for his well being. And it got worse. It turned into him trying to kill me. And it turned a little better…but he still controlled me for a total of 18 years. David supported our coparenting but hated that his mood still affected me. So I told him emotionally if it wasn’t mutual no more. That was two years ago. And when he decided less than a week ago to add Pixie to the mix again I said no. I am not doing this at all. I remember what that was like. As soon as she moves in my eldest is moving out if it happens before summer and they are moving back in with me this summer regardless. Their choice on both ends. They really want to stay until summer so let’s see if he keeps his promise. As for his wife…. I warned her. If my word means less than a person she’s known less than a week it’s not really a loss. It’s their business now. My only concern is for Merc.

I feel awful for Cadie. Pixie’s kids are used to her damsel in distress a man will make it better issues. I think Will helped me feel safe enough to save myself. I still have this blank canvas and empty space. And I don’t know what to do with it. Is that normal? I remember when Matthew got out of prison asking him questions and he just didn’t know and seemed so lost. Is that what this is. Except…I’m not going back. And even though my PTSD when David has an outburst renders me terrified, he won’t hurt me, judge me, or emotionally blackmail me, I am free. I won’t have someone completely uninterested in my writing (who used to encourage it) or telling me everyone is better than me and belittling the people I love. He was never able to keep me from Jaime and my mom. I was strong enough to hang on though he did fracture my mom and my relationship over her storing stuff at our place.

David is my partner. We both came with baggage so its never going to be easy but we love each other for who we are. I asked him if he will love me as I morph and he said “yes, of course”. That’s all I needed to hear.

And We Never Gave Up

Loki and I were together days away from 19 years. I was a mere 13 when we started courting. We Married 5 years later and our daughter came around just before our 3 year wedding anniversary.

When he and I met he made me a kinder person. My anger at the world seem to fade and I felt love for the first time.

We went through and put each other through so much. I went from being an awful wife, to an awesome wife, and in the end, a complacent one.

It got really tough somewhere in the middle of that. We clung to each other like a junkie to the needle. We were angry, Codependent and sick…. But we never gave up trying to make it work. The marriage was gone but love remained, though not romantic, but we found ways to evolve.

When we split for the final game, I came to get my stuff, he cornered me, knowing in my heart how I felt. “We didn’t fail, no one worked harder than us,” and he gently kissed my cheek. It was hard but we both had moved on long before.

And even now, though, a lot healthier we haven’t gave up. He needs an ear I’m here. I need someone to help me with something or loan me a few bucks, he is there. He is my oldest and closest friend and I am happy to share a child with him. We have joint open conversations with her. She knows she can’t pull the wool over our eyes because we talk.

We had some times where we despised each other, and every now and then I need to step back from a conversation I see getting too passionate that doesn’t really matter… But we don’t give up.

Revised.

I quit 10/26/2019

Painting a Picture

Our entire lives we are painting a picture.  It starts when you are born, and doesn’t end until long after you’ve taken your last breath.  Sometimes something happens to our paintings.  Huge blacks smudges, maybe it even feels like a brand new canvas.   Our masterpiece destroyed, almost overnight, but if you look, the foundation is still there.  Maybe it wasn’t quite what you wanted it to be anyway.  Maybe it feels like something you have worked your entire life was destroyed, water warped, burned up.  The thing is, you can’t take away those memories.  Good or bad, that masterpiece still lives on in your head.  You can still remember the fine lines that others never got to see.  You know the hard work in it when others believe it was just a crazy abstract piece, you just smudging your hands across the canvas.  They didn’t see your pain, your happiness, just the the lines that came to be.  Others were there with you when your masterpiece was tossed aside.  They held you as you wept for your lost work.  They were there watching you paint your masterpiece.

I think we look at Van Gogh we see Starry Night, but that wasn’t his only masterpiece.  We see Mona Lisa when we think Da vinci, but he also is responsible for the early model of the air plane.  We all have more than one masterpiece.

I, of course am relating my life to works of art right now.  I kept thinking,  am I like a butterfly?  When a caterpillar turns into a butterfly their life is almost over.   No I am not a butterfly.  I often feel like I am like Phoenix.   I have risen from ash of what my life was…but the remnants are still there.  So the best way to describe where I am in my life, this starting over, this discovery,  is I am putting aside my old warped canvas.  I held it under water for too long.  I am not trashing it, it has it’s own beauty, but I am going to look to it, to see all the mistakes I made, to do my best to paint a better picture this time.  One where I am happy and healthy.  And other’s may not see the beauty in this warped frame, but I still do, and I am proud to hang it on my wall.  I am proud of who I am and how beautiful I came out, even if I am warped, no matter how battered.  I am fucking proud.  It’s not gone, it’s still there.  It will always be safe up on this wall.  Some people are not lucky enough to have it to hang.  Some people lose themselves in a fire, or undersea.  All the important stuff is still there for me to hold on to, it’s just time for a new canvas.

I am not sure what I am doing with this blog right yet.  The name still stays, but this was my journey through polyamory, that aspect doesn’t stay.  I can explain more in detail in a future post, but for now, I have to create a new masterpiece.

Candle

He follows in the desert like desire for water to quench my sandpaper tongue
Another year goes by, and still I feel so over wrung
I stare into the candle and what do I see?
Him showing all I’ve missed in front, staring right in front of me.
Thirty-one candles have passed and went.
So much yet to do, so little time, was it well spent?
You think you’re done learning, you know what you want.
Then there is a kink, a curve, a mistake left to flaunt
Then you realize you never knew anything, not at all
We stare him down every day, his shadow so tall
We avoid by living, believing in tomorrow and it will come

How many missed opportunities have I had, how many heartaches?
How many times have I made the same damn mistakes?
Creature of habit, I would like to lie and say I’m fine, I’ll learn
Pick up, brush off, realize the mistakes are mine that I’ve earn
But still he stares me down, all of us down down
We can’t tell if it’s our time, if he wears a frown
It’s a limited time offer, no plans to use it right away
But I’m not in charge of what games he has yet to play
In the mean time I’ll try my best and stare down another candle
And hope that I’m not too much woman for all of em to handle

Riviera Maya

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I haven’t had much time to write in here or do anything since starting my new job in the salon.  It’s wearing on me.  I am actually sick and up in the middle of the night thinking of better times.  A month ago I was in paradise, recently I feel I am in the opposite.  I would say hell but the temperature is closer to Antarctica than anything close to what I would call hell.

I kept an adventure log while there, some of which I will share with you along with pictures.

January 18th 2015, Day 1

Basically it began early and ended late with lots of traveling and hauling bags around.  I remember being quite grumpy as we had to be up at 2 am and the excitement kept us from sleeping.  The flights weren’t super packed on the way there but I am not one for a crowd.  I remember the vegetation and seeing the shore which was absolutely beautiful.  We saw several iguanas on the way to the resort. I got to relax with some drinks and snacks and we got lost on the way to our room in the resort.  The opening announcements were that night and it was loud and crowded, not my favorite atmosphere but it was open bar, so that helped.

It was noted that I was surprised at how much vegetation there was.

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January 19th 2015, Day 2

One of my favorite days in the Riviera Maya, all we did was explore the resort.  There were two sides in the HardRock, there is the Hacienda side, which was marked by it’s Orange buildings and the Heaven side, marked by it’s Blue buildings.  Hacienda is where families and people under 18 stay and Heaven was exclusively for adults.  I was on the Heaven side, which was nice and quiet.  We explored the Heaven side first, up early.  We took pictures inside the lobbies because they were like mini music museums and I knew someone who would be very eager to see them at home.

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When made it over to the Hacienda side where we had lunch with an ocean view.  Lunch was always served buffet style and various places.  We finished up our tour before heading back to the heaven side.  We decided to stop for some drinks at my lover’s favorite indoor bar before making it back to our room and into the hot tub.  He chose to game which made it ALL MINE!  We went out to one of the fancier places for dinner and it was AMAZING.  We then headed out to what would become my favorite bar called the Martini bar which was out on the ocean and had more drinks.  Unfortunately I had heels on and was still an amateur and drank too much so we had to head back to the room all too soon.

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January 20th 2015, Day 3

This day was well spent mainly on the beach collecting shells.  After ordering room service for breakfast we got dressed in beachwear and headed out to enjoy sun.  It wasn’t his thing but it is totally mine.  It was way too hot for him but he suffered through for me.  We went on to the Martini bar which was loud and obnoxious due to some college kids.  They ended up being kicked out because they were jumping about 20 feet off into the ocean from the bar.  It was pretty far from our room so we saw so much of wildlife and got many pictures.  We saw large rodents, fish, birds, and of course, large lizards.  The lover ended up getting very drunk for the first time he can remember at the Martini bar while we enjoyed the quiet and the breeze.  He had 2 AMF’s because I did not drink mine.  I was a tad tipsy too after having a double shot of tequila (it is Mexico after all) but I slowed down to let him enjoy his alcohol more.  He went back to the room and passed out, I took this as a cue to enjoy the hot tub again.  This evening we went to a Hibachi Grill which was so much fun.  I had sake for the first, which wasn’t to my liking  time and the food was so good, not to mention entertaining.

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January 21st 2015, Day 4

I had fallen in love with my quiet beach and went every morning I could from this point on.  So after ordering in, and being quite disappointed in the food I went out to the beach while Fei stayed in.  I came back and we ordered in knowing that we had a monkey tour planned for that afternoon.  We then went on the monkey our and saw a monkey but it ended up being too much on Fei’s back.  We rested at his little indoor bar before decided to walk back to our room.  On the way back it began to downpour which I loved immensely.  There was a beautiful rainbow and I nearly ruined my phone trying to get a picture and I was unsuccessful.  I had never seen a rainbow over the ocean before.  I can type all day about what I see but it would never ever begin to explain the experience of seeing it.  We took this day to primarily rest Will’s back but planned to go to the fanciest restaurant on the resort.  It was a lot of fun getting all dressed up for no reason.  We had this wonderful white wine.  It was a Spanish Chardonnay.

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January 22nd 2015, Day 5

After being disappointed in the room service the previous morning we found a buffet and were not disappointed.  I then went to have my beach time and Fei his alone time but started feeling the sun and decided to scour the beach for shells and trinkets to take home, but it was too difficult on the rocky terrain without shoes.  So I headed back to the room early to pull Fei out to help me but after getting slightly disappointed in not finding anything we said screw it and went to the bar before heading home and ordering in for lunch.  We had a reception for his company that night so we headed to the hacienda side early where it was and checked out the bars and the beach.  The beach was suffering from algae issue that would later overtake the entire beach but it was so beautiful.  It was much prettier with more to look at than what was on the Heaven side.  It was a perfect night, though windy at the top of the building where the reception was being held.  It was so beautiful and the entertainment was awesome with a male pole dancer, a balancing contortionist and followed up with a female hula hooper.  It was to be a buffet dinner after the announcements but we split afterwords and opted to go to the Brazilian spitfire instead, which was a very fun and tasty experience.  We then hit the gift shops pretty hard where I packed because I didn’t want to spend any of my final full day packing.

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January 23rd 2015, Day 6

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This day started really early for me by choice.  I sat on our private patio and watched the sun come up over the ocean.  We had heard great things about this place on the Hacienda side and went there for breakfast.  We checked out the gift shop on that side again before going back over to the heaven side to look there again.  since algae bloom to over the beach I couldn’t scour it like I wanted to or swim which was very disappointing but I decided to lay out anyway.  We then went out for lunch.  I went straight from lunch to vacation planner.  I had previously planned my massage but planned to get my hair done and a mani pedi directly afterwords.  I had never had a massage before and I chose well to have a hot stone massage.  My hair turned out great.  This took quite some time so by the time I made it back to the room it was time to eat.  We chose French this evening, which I was nervous about but the food was genuinely amazing.  The red wine they paired with it was superb.  No longer being an amateur I took my heels off while walking and headed over to our favorite bar one last time.  There were some entertaining, rowdy Canadians and a large school of fish.  We stayed there for quite sometime before we headed back to our room and to our hot tub.

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I didn’t really write about the last day, we left at 9:45 and didn’t get home till near midnight.  I do have to say that Cancun airport in itself is just unlike anything I have ever experienced.  It’s like a market.  I ended up spending money there too.  It was a hellish, crowded trip home.  I missed the rest of our family so on the same token, I was happy.

If we had planned better there were so many things I would have loved to seen.  I am sure someday we will get to go back.  I would love to go to Tolum, Chichen Itzca, and Aktun Chen.  I want to zipline, swim with dolphins, and go spurlunking.  next time I want to expierence not just go.  This time I did experience what a inclusive resort is and enjoyed it next time I want to include more adventures!