Ripples

As I lay in bed trying to sleep my mind was racing with things I need to do,  I finally can do,  and basic impatience.   I have to make myself slow down.   When your life is totally derailed and the train almost unrecognizable,  once the pieces start going into places you want to just jump on the train and go but the mechanical pieces aren’t there,  let alone the fine tuning,  I’m even thinking of polishing it up.   The train won’t even run at this point and if I just jump on it as soon as it’s on the track and running its going to be too bumpy for a passenger like me.   

Right now I need to focus on my job and Christmas.   After Christmas I will see what needs to happen next,  but not alone.   

On an even more personal level,  I’m feeling a gigantic whoosh of change coming over me.   Motivation,  structure,  a chance to be healthy in all ways and to be who I want to be.   Finally.   I will probably change my blog at that point.   You see,  my painting is getting ready to get on the train,  but I have started the bones of the portrait.  I finally know I’m not just a mother,  or someone’s lover,  I am no one’s wife (soon at least)  and I get to be Mr for the first time in my adult life.   

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED

  • Being a mom is a large part of who I am,  but it’s only a part. 
  • I crave stability,  my own nest but it’s not needed. 
  • There isn’t another person “like me”  or that will always gets me. 
  • Having a tribe is important to me,  I am a nomad without them. 
  • I am a put together wild woman
  • I feel at home and most comfortable in a spiritual person’s home.   I cannot explain the feeling,  just so right. 
  • I need organization and my own space to express myself creatively.   Without it I feel less than my full self. 
  • I am hard working. 
  • I am excellent at multi-tasking 
  • I lack drive,  but not the heart.   I feel stunted by circumstance
  • I love hard but because I don’t trust my love has bounds.   I don’t love as freely as I should. 
  • I am EXTREMELY empathetic
  • I am healing from a still codependent relationship with my ex,  the father of my child. 
  • I am the most capable person I know. 
  • I don’t trust anyone.   I have to retrain my brain if I ever want that and WORK for something that comes easy to most people. 
  • I suffer from Ptsd and it can make me a very ugly person. 
  • I have bipolar disorder.   I will always be medicated. 

Goodnight world.   I’ll be back later.