Snowy Days

It’s March.  Not December or January or even February as I claimed earlier it’s March!  I like snow, I have gotten used to the cold, but I am not all for being snowed in.  Literally snowed in.  I have seen much worse.  But I’ve definitely seen better too.

My life feels snowed in, I can only hope that my new position as a Barista will warm up the snowy abyss that I feel in my heart.  I am so tired.  I am currently employed by two employers, one of which I couldn’t go to today and the other one pending a background check.  I really wanted the position to work for me.  I genuinely love all creatures but have learned that it takes more than love to work with animals.  My free spirit was feeling trapped….I still feel trapped.  I have hope.  There is still that glimmer that shines like the glistening fresh snow fall.  I am hoping this is just SADD at it’s finest or getting restless because my body says “it’s springtime”.  I am not sad, but I am not happy either.  I feel lost.  I knew I was good at my last job.  This one I never got to sense that accomplishment.  Admitting I am not good at something is hard for me.

Reality.   Reality.  Reality.  I tell myself that I don’t have to settle for a place I do not enjoy but the fear that I may not enjoy any job creeps into my heart.  It’s not this tiny fear either.  It’s this large screeching fear that I may never settle down.  I may never feel contentment within myself.  I also have this fear that I may never ever get to see anything because I am too busy living in the now and I keep saying “when we have money”  “When we have time”.  We never have money or time.  Those things are not a given.  What can I realistically do to see something, to do something, to experience SOMETHING.  I would be content to own a home, see my children accomplish all the things I couldn’t and to see them do the things I never could do.  I would be happy if I get to do things along side of them and see them even go further.  To see that I inspired them to chase their own dreams and to inspire others to follow their own.  I could sit around all day and be angsty.  I could cry about all the opportunities I have missed.  I rather plan for things that may never happen, but then I can say I tried.

I think the ultimate goal is to be happy and to share that happiness with others around me.  Then, when I am too old to walk, or see, when my body begins to crumble in my mind I can be  content.  Truly content knowing I lived for love, I lived for happiness, my old body may not be able to do those things, but I can see them all around me.