Who I am and who I want to be.

I actually am not having qualms with who I am currently. I feel for the first time I know her quite well and I do like her, but she grows, and will continue to and there are still things I want and want to be. As for exactly what, I don’t know exactly and I will explain why.

The person I am and wish I weren’t holds onto things, people, memories, love too hard. It has gotten better and easier as its something I have worked on. The past no longer haunts me, but I’ve gotten attached to ideas, beliefs, and things about myself and I am unsure if these things are who I am or who I used to be. I am a witch. I feel like it’s in me, my blood, and my being. However, I used to be much more talented until I messed up. People think it requires a spellbook, or you have to have pentagrams everywhere and wear pachouli, but you need none of that. It’s inside of you. I used to read tarot and talked about picking it up, but honestly I don’t have time to relearn everything I have forgotten. I think as far as this goes I will stick to cleansing, prayer, and blessing spells. I do want to celebrate holidays more and find like minded people. I don’t want people who make it their life, but make it part of it, almost passively as I believe spirituality to be private.

Currently I am a corporate bank whore. I pimp myself out for a pretty hefty paycheck. It’s not a horrible job, it pays well, and I don’t hate it. It’s far from a passion, leaves little time for family or hobbies, and as I move up probably even less. It’s definitely not who I am or who I wish to be but a way to sustain a comfortable life for me and my family and work towards long term goals for myself and them.

Sometimes I dream of living off the grid and having a homestead….but honestly, I am unsure anymore. I called it my commune where all my friends and family would live and help each other. It just doesn’t match the rest of my life. I like convenience. I like being clean, baths, traveling, having fun. Homesteading is not just a hobby but a life. How can I travel and leave my animals while I go out of town? How does this fit in with going to the spa and feeling and looking great? And do they use laundry pods on and homestead? It’s awesome in retrospect, but honestly it’s a fantastical dream.

However I still love to garden, but I prefer flowers. Something about dirt under your feet (why would I wear shoes?) And in your fingers. I love to dig and I love to make things aesthetically pleasing. David is a more practical human, and he does like th3 idea of growing food. So I am thinking more vegetable patch than garden.

I am a mom. It’s just my personality. I mom everyone. I do grow frustrated with my children because I love freedom and hate being strict and stern, that is not my personality, but I hold Mara in my arms or KID shows me her individualistic side and I swell inside with love and pride. It’s so worth it.

I don’t define myself as a wife, but as a lover and best friend. We want to hang out and do almost everything together. We do have lives outside each other, but are always happy to just hang out and watch wrestling. We want to venture this world together.

I love food, love to cook, and want to be healthy……

More to come, it’s almost time to cuddle Mara.

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